It’s Pride Month, and to be honest, I don’t really care about it. Plenty of my friends do and good for them, most of them are the target demographic in a way that I don’t feel that I am. Cos I don’t fully know what I am myself. I’m not trans, that much I’m sure of; I’m he/him binary and have never felt that I was anything but a man (if not much of one, admittedly). And I’m interested in women, not men, when it comes to that. Does that make me straight as such, though?
Cos I always thought I basically was, but about ten years ago my friend Lara came out as asexual, and the more I read about that the more I wondered if this was what I actually was, cos it seemed to explain some things about me. But I’ve never been able to convince myself fully, if you know what I mean, that I am. I don’t know if I’m a “proper” ace, or some subset of ace like grey or demi, or if it’s just the many and varied pills I take each day driving down my libido (come back my testosterone! All is forgiven!). If I were some flavour of ace, would that then make me queer? Cos a certain part of Ace Discourse is the debate about whether or not aces are queer as such by virtue of not really being straight either. And I’ve never felt “queer” myself, so… what, then?
Am I just “heterosexual without motivation”, to quote a splendid phrase I once saw on Tumblr said by someone who had considered themselves ace in the past? Maybe… I read another interesting comment recently, where the author described himself as never having doubted he was male but also not being attached to being male. I forget the exact wording, but something like that. Like being male didn’t particularly matter to him. And maybe that’s the case with me? It’s not as important to me, perhaps, to be big and male and straight as it is to some…?
Cos it’s awfully important to some people out there, and I kind of hate those people. I’ve seen them too many times by now, their very existence shits me to tears quite apart from the things they say and do to demonstrate what STRAIGHT MEN they are, and what their idea of being STRAIGHT MEN involves, and… I don’t know. I don’t do very well at being interested in many of the things STRAIGHT MEN are supposed to be interested in or doing the things they’re supposed to do—you know, being a home handyman, cars, sport, subjugating women, invading other countries, continuing the family line, that sort of this.
I’m kind of a failure as a “normal” man in some respects, and, frankly, I can cope with that. Cos I look at these shitheads on the right and realise how little I want to live up to their preferred stereotype. They make me want to be even less of a STRAIGHT MAN than I already am. One day they’ll even make me feel like celebrating Pride Month out of spite.
Anyway, happy Pridemas to all my queers who are into it. Just watch out for the dickheads who aren’t into it, or you.
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